Friday, February 26, 2010

How did you meet your husband?

This is part of FAQ Friday. If you have a question you would like for me to answer, please submit them on the FAQ page.

Question

How did you meet your husband?

Answer

First, I'd like to say, I love FAQ Friday. A lot of times, it is a fun excuse for me to spout my religious views in a blog where they otherwise do not fit. Other times, it allows me to touch upon something truly personal and fun, like how I met my husband.

After high school, Dan went to state college for a few classes each semester. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life. After one year of that, his mother got very sick, planning-the-funeral kind of sick. Praise god, she's still with us now, but has never fully recovered. Dan put his life on hold for a few years to help take care of her, but finally went to Bible college.

I took a year off school after high school, then found the Bible college where I felt God wanted me.

I was a freshman and he was senior.

We went to a college where everything was structured. There was a strict dress code and rules about when you could hang out with people of the opposite gender. There was also a "No PC" rule. That is, "No Physical Contact" with people of the opposite gender. No hugs, hand-holding or even pokes were allowed.

Dan remembers first seeing me during freshman orientation, called the "Get to Know You Session."

I first remember seeing him at the supper table. Supper was the only meal where we had free seating, as opposed to assigned seating. Dan and I struck up a conversation about what brought us to the college and what the will of god was for our lives. He clearly remembers that conversation ended with me asserting, "Well, I know that the will of God for me right now is to clean dishes."

We ran into each other quite a bit around the campus. Sometimes we sat together during chapel, or at supper or at softball games. (We both played.) We both vividly remember on a Saturday night there was a bonfire at the home of one of the married students. He sat with me and we talked for hours- until curfew- about family, theology, and dreams.

He impressed me, but I wasn't looking for a relationship. I went to Bible college to grow closer to god, not to find a husband. I was thinking I needed to somehow distance myself from him, and even hid from him in a coat closet once. Finally I had a long reflection period with God while I was avoiding him. I saw that I was closer to god when I was around Dan and that god was blessing our budding friendship.

Dan's best friend's fiance was in charge of the seating chart. She was also my Resident Assistant in the dorm. She arranged for Dan and I to have assigned seating next to each other at meals. At our college there was a bit of a divide between couples and singles. No body liked it that way, but it was how it was. Some of the other students at our table griped about a couple getting to sit together.

He asked me what I thought of others referring to us as a couple, knowing that I wasn't quite ready. I answered honestly that I liked it. It wasn't long after that that we became an official couple, meaning he called my mom and asked for permission. (My Dad didn't want to be called; he's a bit of a feminist.)

So, that is how we met and fell in love. I am lucky to have him, and am thankful that he feels the same way about me.

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47 comments:

Mary Jane said...

What was your mother's reaction to being called by Dan?

Emily said...

Mary Jane, she was really impressed. She said none of her boyfriends had ever been brave enough to ask her parents for permission.

Anonymous said...

That is a lovely story Emily:-)

Sarah

PS. I hope you don't me commenting - I just started reading your blog this week and I love it!

Christena said...

blahg! you say "he's a bit of a feminist" like it's a bad thing.

one more thing, if he was going to a legit bible college, why is he going to the one in a church basement now?

Angie said...

What a humorous image - you hiding in a coat closet to escape a "suitor" ☺

Clisby said...

None of your mother's boyfriends were brave enough? Or did it just never cross their minds? I'm more than twice your age, and neither of my parents could be called a feminist, by any stretch of the imagination. However, I'm quite sure they would have thought it bizarre for a boyfriend to ask their permission to do anything with their adult daughter.

Kat said...

...Your dad rocks, that's all I have to say :)

Emily said...

Sarah, I love comments, especially from those who love my blog. (:

Christena, the college my husband is going to now is coinsidered more "legit" than the one where we met, but I have questions about it on the FAQ, so I'm not going to go into it here.

Clisby, my mother's parents would not have felt it bizarre. My my aunt's husband asked them permission to marry their daughter. But I honestly don't know if it crossed their minds. She was the one that said they weren't brave enough.

Colleen said...

I'm kind of with Clisby on that one, but I'm a little closer to your age.

Did Dan graduate that Bible college as well? Is he working on a second degree? You may have answered this in the past, but I must have missed it or can't find it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah it is just weird that he called and asked permission.
Alice

Amber said...

I think I agree with your father lol! I hate the idea that women are somehow less than men in any way, shape, or form... and this is coming from a submissive wife (submissive in the biblical form, not the way that so many uber conservative Christians take it to be in today's world). I know this is not at all what your post was about though, so I'll try to leave it at that :)

That's cute how you guys met :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Emily,

Thank you for sharing how you met your husband. I think it is charming that he requested permission to court you. I see it as showing a great deal of respect for you, your family and himsef, which seems very uncommon in this day and times (and I am a genx baby so not too old yet, lol). Well done Dan!

S

Dory said...

I have something over at my blog 4 you:) http://www.amommymadeit.com
I'm glad you are brave enough to put your personal life out were people give you there opinion!!

Melissa said...

Very cute story! So funny about you hiding in a closet to avoid Dan! (= Was this your first time dating? What about Dan? If its too personal for you to answer I understand.

God Bless,
Melissa

crabcakes said...

I actually think that what you are saying Emily, is that because Dan knew your father was a feminist, he was respectful to him by not doing something that would make him uncomfortable.

As a feminist, I would find it odd if someone asked me permission to marry my daughter. If she's an adult, she's in control of her own life and I have no say in that.

However I think that informing the parents ahead of time that you'd like to marry their daughter or son is a sweet gesture and it would make me happy and proud to be in on the little secret. I don't need to be asked for permission though. I don't own my kids.

I read your comment on it a bit different than others though. I didn't take it as a dig against feminism. Feminism only means that women are equal to men. And while most people don't like the label, if you think that women are equal then you are a feminist. :)

Our Family Is His said...

I agree that it sounds like he understood what was respectful to each of your family members and acted on it. I think it's sweet that your hubby asked to court/date you. I want my sons to be as respectful to meet the parents so they have a clue who their daughter is dating. If they have nothing to hide, they will hide nothing.

Did he ask for your hand in marriage before he proposed as well?

Katie said...

Well aren't women equal to men? If that makes me a feminist, then good! I find it offensive that anyone would need permission to date when they are an adult. Your story is your story, and I won't make any digs against it - but I have to agree with your father. I am very Christian and am very close to God but there is no way I will ever believe that women are less than men in some way and that women need permission to do certain things from men. It is nice that your now-husband had respect to say something to your mother about dating you - but the fact that you said your dad is a feminist and wouldn't appreciate that phone call from your now-husband, leads me to believe that you feel you are somehow LESS than your husband, and that you knew your dad would disagree with that.

But hey, to each his own. If you want to be unequal, then that is your choice.

Emily said...

Colleen, I'm going to answer all that when I deal with the FAQ questions, but yes he did graduate, and he is sort of going for a second degree. It's a little complicated.

Dory, thank you!

Melissa, it was not my first time dating, but it was my first time dating since I had become a Christian. Dan dated in like Junior High or something, so it was both of our first serious relationship.

crabcakes, if seeing women are equal to men, just as valuable, intelligent and capable, then I'm a feminist, too! I guess I define it a little differently, but I do agree that the way Dan did it was out of respect for my parents.

I'm Lori...and maybe I'm you, too. said...

I don't know why anyone would really be offended by the idea of a guy asking if it was okay to go out with your daughter. Is it my style? Not really, but I would be impressed with the integrity and up-front respect of someone who talked to me about it ahead of time. And I know that my husband didn't "ask for my hand" but he did tell my mother he was going to propose and showed her the ring a few days before he asked me to marry him.

slk2042 said...

Sweet story, Emily. My DH and I met at a Bible Study. Meeting a future spouse at church/Bible function is the best way to meet a man, IMHO.
My DH asked my parents if he could marry me, and I cherish that about him. My parents were a bit snotty to him, but that's another story. We'll celebrate our 18th anniversary this summer, so I guess we've done okay!
I really pray that when my DD is ready to marry someday, her beau will come to DH and me about it. I know it seems old-fashioned, but I think it shows a lot of respect. I think it's more of a gesture these days, but a nice one nonetheless.

aleatha said...

Your husband sounds like a kind, thoughtful person :)
love your blog!

LadySnow said...

I think it's great that he called your mother! I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Emily, I've been reading through your blog for a week now. It's very interesting! I was wondering if you guys are ever going to consider moving? I live in GA and land/cost of living is cheap down here.

Andrea said...

That is quite a cute story. Thanks for sharing.

Emily said...

Anon, that made me laugh because GA is like my dream destination. Land is cheap and you don't pay (much) for heat. But alas, we will most likely stay in Maine. We're pretty sure this is where we are called to minister, but we won't stay in our current apartment for long after Dan gradutates. We are in the more expensive part of the state.

Elizabeth said...

I liked reading about how you met, but would have liked more detail. What attracted him to you, what attracted you to him? How did you know he was the one? What kinds of dates did you go on if your school had such a strict policy?

mycuprunnethoverandsodoesmytodolist said...

Very sweet story! Thank you for sharing, Emily!!

Blessings,
Brandi @ My Cup Runneth Over....and So Does My To Do List!

Kat said...

Katie,
I agree. It does seem odd to me that one adult would ask another adults parents for permission to date them, but I guess I did actually do something very similar myself now that I think about it.
I started dating my DH when I was 19, and after we'd been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, he asked if I wanted to travel to Florida (several hundred miles away for us) with him and his parents and brother for Spring break. I was in college at the time and living away from home (through close enough that I came home almost every weekend) and what did I do? I went to my parents to ask permission (maybe out of habit, LOL.) My dad just said, "Um...you're over 18. it's up to you." lol.

Another instance came about when my DH proposed. He went to my dad first (before it was "official", obviously we'd mutually talked about, and agreed that we wanted to get married, just no "down on one knee" thing), not to ask permission or anything like that, but because I was really young (only 20!) and he was 7 years older, and wanted to find out if us being engaged/getting married would cause any family problems; like, if he or my mom would be animatedly opposed to us getting married with me being so young. (The reason he asked my dad had nothing to do with my dad being a guy, but the 2 of them worked
similar hours and would hang out on occasion, whereas my mom was always working in the afternoons when he would come over.)
I guess I could understand in a situation like that, like if there's an actual reason why both parties feel that finding out their families opinions/feelings about something would be important.

Clisby said...

"I don't know why anyone would really be offended by the idea of a guy asking if it was okay to go out with your daughter. "

Are you talking about a guy who wants to know if it's OK to go out with my 13-year-old daughter? Sure, that's fine - and the answer is no.

I wouldn't be offended if someone asked this about my daughter once she turns 18 - but I'd sure as heck tell her I thought she should dump this guy, because he clearly didn't respect *her". If, at 18, she's even one-tenth the woman I hope she'll be - she won't need my advice to get rid of somebody like that.

It's not a matter of offending the mother - I'm trying to imagine being an adult woman and *not* being offended on my own behalf if a boyfriend asked my parents' permission to date me, or marry me.

I remember one of my uncles-by-marriage telling me that he asked my grandmother's permission to marry my aunt. This would have been in maybe 1949 or 1950. My grandmother, who did not have the right to vote at the time she married, laughed in his face at the idea that she could give permission for her grown daughter to marry.

Christena said...

he's the first person you dated after you became a christian, so it was the first "real" relationship you'd been in? does that mean that you only casually dated men before? or that the relationships you had before you converted just don't count?

Angela said...

Hi! I just found your blog and really love some of the ideas you have here. Keep it up!! This was a very cute story and I would love to hear more about your and Dan's relationship before kids, etc...

As a new reader, I have been slowly getting through all of the old posts and comments (there's always so much information in the comments too!!). Anyways, I was reading that one of your readers sent you an organic mattress. How awesome! I was wondering if you received it and how it looked because it seemed like a great deal and I would love to get one too. Let me know!

-Angela

Anonymous said...

If you were not Christian as a child, what were you? For example, my mom's Catholic and both my brother and I are Catholic. We got our sacraments and went to CCD. However, my dad was Methodist and we rarely went to Mass...we were mainly Christmas/Easter Catholics.

I stopped going to church for awhile in high school and college for various reasons and just started attending Mass each week and becoming active in the Church 3 years ago but I still always considered myself a Catholic, even when I wasn't attending Mass regularly.
mandy

Sarah said...

I think it's sweet when the guy approaches the parents. Also, I think "asking" the parents sometimes is more just telling them. For my husband and I he "asked" my parents for my hand in marriage after he and I already decided we were going to be married. It's the gesture that counts though and we would be married whether my parents said yes or not! However, because my guy is the kind parents love, they had no objection. =) I don't see what the big deal is.

Emily said...

Christena, I was a senior in high school when I became a Christian. My longest relationhip before that was about 2 months, so this was both of our first real relationship.

Angela, I'm writing about the mattress on Sunday.

Angela said...

Thanks for the response! Will you also be writing more posts about your and Dan's relationship because once again this one is so darn cute!

I love hearing stories like these and think they are really encouraging to other single people that it's when you aren't looking for someone, God provides your soul mate. Keep it up!

Susan said...

What a cute story! That Dan asked your mom for permission rang a bell with me.
My DH was raised in the chivalrous mode. His father, and English teacher, loved all things English. He taught his family to live in airy, fairy castles in the sky. I'll post on that another time at my blog http://susan-potpouri.blogspot.com/.
DH and I met Friday night, had our first date Sunday night, and decided to get married some time around dawn on Monday morning. (It was a very chaste date. We spent hours just talking while sitting in his car outside my folks house.)
He then asked my father for permission to marry me over breakfast.
My dad gave us three years max; we are at 39.5 years.
May you and Dan continue in your happiness
Susan

Beth, Joshua, Isabella and McKinley said...

Emily - was the Bible College in Florida?

karen said...

Your husband is cute.Do you ever fear he might get sick of living in such conditions (trust me he will !) and start looking for someone else more good looking and have a better money earning potential?

Anonymous said...

Hi there, I discovered your blog today and have not been able to stop reading. I am also from Maine (Winterport)and can't believe this winter's strange weather! Although my comment is completely off today's topic, I wanted to share something. I respect that you feel strongly about various parts of feeding/caring for your family. I am against the dirty dozen (non-organic) food items with high pesticide levels, have stopped eating meat in the last six months (against factory farming, not the consumption of meat), have a home-grown egg provider and oppose animal testing in cosmetic/household cleaning products. That being said, I know you said you like Dawn because it's the only thing you have found that works. Just a quick recipe:
Combine 1 cup Dr. Bronner's Sal Suds with 1 cup warm water. Add citrus peel(from your deodorant lemons!!) and 4 or 5 drops tea tree oil. It works on everything... I use it for dishes, stovetops, grubby spots on floors, etc.
Dr. Bronner's is a little pricey but it lasts FOREVER. Good luck with your blog! ~Lisa

Guinevere said...

I don't see what's surprising that some of us would find it offensive to have anyone "ask" to date us (or marry us, for that matter). I certainly understand the mindset of asking, or discussing, out of deference to the parents, and that's fine -- it's just not for me. By the time I was old enough for a real relationship, I was financially independent and personally responsible. If a guy felt the need to talk to my parents about our relationship, I would feel he didn't respect that. Obviously, there are different perspectives on this and different relationships with parents, though.

Vanessa said...

Oh for goodness sakes!
Emily...it makes me so frustrated that you can't put anything out there without being griped at for it.
I am thankful everyday for the covering of protection of my husband...and that does not mean I by any means think I am less than him. If anything it means I am even more precious to my heavenly Father for deeming me worthy of being treasured!
I pray for many things regarding my daughter but most often that she will be willing to be under the protection of her Earthly Father until such a time as she is courted by a Godly man. I hope mightily that he will ask for my husband's permission to have her hand in marriage!

Anonymous said...

Where is Dan't blog? I can't find it anymore. (And, no, I never posted on this blog so I'm not responsible for the offensive comments.)

Jean

Emily said...

Beth, no it was in New Brunswick, Canada, but we have a few friends that went to Pensacola in Florida. (sp?)

karen, I think he's cute, too, but he seems to think I'm cute. He's not really with me for the money. lol.

Lisa, thanks for the recipe. I hadn't tried that one. And I'm glad your enjoying the archives.

Anon, I restructed my bloglist. He didn't seem to fit. His blog is at the same address though: rantofdan.blogspot.com

Clisby said...

Vanessa,

If Emily had posted that Dan called her mother to ask what kind of dowry he could expect, would you be surprised if people commented? If Emily had said she called his parents to ask permission for them to be a serious couple, would you be surprised if people commented? Dan's calling her mother falls in the same category. If you post about out-of-the-norm behavior, people will comment. It's not griping - after all, if it suits Emily and Dan, that's all that matters as far as their couplehood is concerned.

Danielle said...

I can't believe someone had the audacity to tell you he was going to get sick of living the life he willingly entered and look for someone 'better looking'. HOW SHALLOW can someone get? Ugh! Some of your readers anger me, Emily!

Please don't let them get you down! I love the story of how you and Dan met, especially the image of you hiding in a closet. I also love the he asked your mother permission -- how sweet! My hubby asked my dad for my hand in marriage before he asked me and I've always thought that was such a respectful gesture.

hippie mommie said...

Cute! I love your love story! I, too, was wondering if y'all went to Pensacola when you were talking about the seating chart and the "no poking." :)

Anonymous said...

You bristle constantly at being labelled - so I would think it would less than hypocritical if you didn't call your father a feminist.

He may be - who knows - but just because he didn't want Stuffed Animal man calling him to ask permission doesn't make him a feminist.

It makes you and Dan adults capable of making [gasp] grown up decisions. Still, glad your mom said yes. You certainly were made for eachother.

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